Here is the text of Bruce Drennan's epic rant, and I'll include contextual Net Runs data in the transcript when applicable:
We stink, man. Ah... I thought Carmona... he wasn't GREAT (-2.552 NRuns)... but he certainly pitched well enough to WIN, considering (his team saved a couple runs for him and scored 4)....
Oh, Valbuena! Valbuena, Valbuena, Valbuena (-1.420 NRuns from two errors in 9th)... you know what? Give him back to the Mets, man (actually he came from the Mariners in the Franklin Gutierrez trade, though the Mets were involved in that trade). You know, somebody said he should be in Columbus tonight. I said... send him to Mahoning Valley. He can't do any harm there! They haven't even started their season!!
Oh! Ugh! Painful. Uh... Branyan (-0.007 hitting Runs). Here it is. Here's his stroke. [simulates slow, graceful left handed swing of bat] Beautfiul form [repeats]... IF IT'S A PRACTICE SWING ON THE FIRST TEE! [repeats] Let's pretend I'm a ballerina.
Unbelieveable! Oh! And Peralta... oh God (-1.338 hitting NRuns). Oh... oh... I am in such pain, PAIN I SAY. Oh, I have pain in my side on this side, I have pain in my side on this side, my knees hurt, my elbow hurts like LeBron, most of all my head hurts, my psyche's hurt, I'm hurting all over my body, head to toe. Ohhh God. WE STINK. STINK.
And I'll tell you something else... the starting pitching has been pretty good, pretty good. Just think if they go South... with this... Big Red Machine of the mid 70's lineup that we got (0.055 NRuns today). Just think if that starting rotation goes sour- which has been pretty good, including today (again, no). Just think of that. Ohh! Oh!
Peralta... OHH!! you know, I'll give him credit (1.297 fielding NRuns)... he made two... outstanding defensive plays- which I was in awe of, I mean, I couldn't... the play he made by the dugout (0.584 NRuns) there by the stands was truly a tremendous play. I... if you would have said to me, is he capable of making that play- I would have obviously said no. I'm just thinking what odds- you know All Bets Are Off here, but what odds would I give you that he would make that play, I mean, you're getting the point... I mean, give credit where it's due (Tony Sipp actually got credited for the NRuns on that play as it was a pop up). He made that play and he made that line drive, that great play on that line drive too (1.222 NRuns for that play, coming with men on the corners and one out).
But 0 or 5 for Peralta- including at the end of the game when we actually had a shot at the bottom of the 9th inning to tie it up after the disaster in the top of the 9th*!!! Unbelieveable! Peralta, a .216 after- even after he got a home run and IT'S ABOUT TIME... 212. Sizemore, 220. OH. Uh, Branyan [repeats Branyan swing]... .212.
(* - Chris Perez: -0.851 NRuns that frame, 12.08 EXERA. Valbuena: -0.570 NRuns at SS that inning. Toronto Luckbox: 1.420 NRuns. Cleveland lost a 4-2 lead in the 9th and the 5-4 deficit would eventually be the final.)
LaPorta, OH MY (-0.571 fielding NRuns)- How about the play by LaPorta in Left Field (-0.796 NRuns)? Chuck Miller... I've known Chuck- he was the official scorer today. I've known Chuck for decades... greta guy, good baseball man and a good official scorer. Uh, a writer... for many many many years, good baseball man. Ahem... I'm all choked up here... uh... he was wrong on that play. That can't be a triple THAT CAN'T BE A TRIPLE IT CAN'T BE A TRIPLE THAT'S AN ERROR ON LAPORTA I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS. THAT'S AN ERROR ON LAPORTA. Turning around like this it's like in my swivel chair here!
(Net Runs, of course, credited LaPorta in full for the gaffe regardless, while Carmona got -0.040 for allowing a flyball. However, Jose Bautista got a 0.836 NRun gift for hitting what was probably a flyout)
My God, did anybody remind these players who are making millions of dollars... even the kids are making four, five, six hundred thousand dollars, you know. That's a lot of money! That's even more than (the producer) Gene makes. Did anybody remind them this is the Major Leagues? Did anybody remind them this is the Major Leagues?