Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Whose Mascot Would Win In A Fight? A predictive experiment.

My mother leaned on this method in her pro football weekly picks contest (with a surprising degree of success) and, inspired by a post somewhere that mentioned this method, I decided as an homage to her to predict winners of games in the NBA, NFL, NHL and college basketball based on this expert analytical method:



Toronto Raptors at Cleveland Cavaliers. A Cavalier would last maybe three seconds against a carnivorous Raptor. Pick: Toronto

Indiana Pacers at Miami Heat. This one is a little more difficult. How much Heat are we talking about here? Are we talking about a warm room? A fire? A volcano? A slightly warmed down comforter? A Pacer's chance of survival is a matter of what he's up against: He burns to death in a fire, but a warm pancake isn't going to phase the man who determines how fast whatever it is he is pacing is going to go.

We must turn to the team's original logo for the answer. The logo features a flaming basketball. However, that by itself does not answer the question: A stationary flaming basketball or one moving slowly enough to be dodged or eventually doused isn't going to vanquish a Pacer, whereas one moving at meteoric speed right at the Pacer will eliminate him easily.

Eventually, we have to side with the inanimate production of energy, simply because its uncertain form makes too unpredictable an enemy for the otherwise one-dimensional Pacer: Pick: Miami


Tampa Bay Lightning at New York Rangers. Lightning can never be defeated, but can kill in an instant with an accurate blow to the crown of a Ranger, especially if that Mark Messier looking loser is wearing his metal helmet. Pick: Tampa Bay

Columbus Blue Jackets at Philadelphia Flyers. A Civil War era soldier may have better weaponry, but the Flyer can... well, fly. The trump card comes in the fact that the Blue Jacket has a musket, and I don't care how well you can fly. You take some buckshot in the gut and you're gone. Pick: Columbus

Detroit Red Wings at Washington Capitals. Originally named for the Winged Wheelers that owner James E Norris was a part of in Montreal, the Red Wings may not be a city like the Capitals, but they sure as hell can run everyone over and eventually get out of their cars and take control. Pick: Detroit

Toronto Maple Leafs vs Atlanta Thrashers. Know why Toronto's the worst team in the NHL? Because a damn leaf off a maple tree can't beat anything in a fight. Duh. Pick: Atlanta

Chicago Blackhawks at Ottawa Senators. Aboriginal warriors in a fight with blue blood politicians. Right. Pick: Chicago

New York Islanders at Pittsburgh Penguins. It's dinner time on the Island! Who wants poultry? Pick: New York

Buffalo Sabres at Anaheim Ducks. No really, who wants poultry? Pick: Buffalo

San Jose Sharks at Los Angeles Kings. If this fight were in the Shark Tank, the King would be dead meat. Because the Shark is on land and in the Kings' house, game over. Pick: Los Angeles

NCAA Basketball:

Northwestern Wildcats at Ohio State Buckeyes. The Buckeye tree is mahogany, 15-25 feet tall, and impervious to the claws and teeth of a Wildcat, but if falling could kill that stupid cat in a heartbeat. Pick: Ohio State

Clemson Tigers at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. A tiger can maybe sway a wasp or two, but a hundred of the little buggers should be able to sting the big cat to death. Pick: Georgia Tech

Albany Great Danes at Boston University Terriers. A great dane fighting with a terrier. Right. Pick: Albany

Chicago State Cougars at Eastern Kentucky Colonels. Whether you're talking about the violent feline cougars or the fortysomething MILF cougars, an elderly colonel is no match for either one. Pick: Chicago State

George Mason Patriots at Hofstra Pride. Pride is a mental concept and a sin, so in essense the George Mason Patriots are at war with themselves, their own egos, their own hubris. And if Jim Larranaga has anything to say about it (and history shows he definitely does), his Patriots shall overcome. Pick: George Mason

Tennessee Volunteers at Alabama Crimson Tide. While a group of unknowing Volunteers stand around wondering what exactly constitutes a crimson tide, a herd of elephants answers their questions in a violent stampede. Pick: Alabama

Hartford Hawks at Vermont Catamounts. A catamount is a form of cougar. That Hawk can fly around and peck/claw away all day, but that lion's going to get his jaws on him eventually. Pick: Vermont

Longwood Lancers at Maryland Terrapins. A terrapin is a turtle. Yes, a turtle. A lancer can poke at that sucker all day but he'll just... well... turtle, and none of the blows will have any effect. The lancer will eventually stab at the ground in anger, snap his lance in half and end up impaling himself. Dumb lancer: No wonder your team's 3-14. Pick: Maryland

Oklahoma Sooners at Texas A&M Aggies. 19th century settlers of Oklahoma vs folks generally predispositioned to agriculture. The settlers are a bit more battle hardened from a long journey as well as a perceived need to kill Native Americans and take their land. The Aggies may have pitchforks, but the Sooners know how to use them. Boomer Sooner... and GIT OFF MAH LAND. Pick: Oklahoma

Indiana State Sycamores vs Missouri State Bears. Bears run into the same problems as the wildcats above when it comes to trees, but the Platanus Occidentalis are even bigger, growing up to 100-130 feet in size. Yeah, good luck with that, Grizz. Pick: Indiana State

Purdue Boilermakers at Illinois Fighting Illini. Let's see, fighting (and likely armed) Native Americans vs trained craftsmen who make steel fabrications. Uh huh. Pick: Illinois

Boston College Eagles at Miami-Fla Hurricanes. Gale force winds in a storm hundreds of miles wide. A bird. Pick: Miami-Fla

Northern Iowa Panthers at Wichita State Shockers. I'm SHOCKED. SHOCKED, I tell you. When Panthers get shocked, I hear they just get angrier and tear you up more quickly. But honestly, the nickname Shocker is short for Wheatshocker, a euphemism for students who harvested fields for pocket money. Yeah, they stand a chance against Panthers. Pick: Northern Iowa

San Diego State Aztecs vs Utah Utes. Now here's a tough question. Which Native tribe would win in a fight? The Aztecs invade as far north as they've ever gone, into colder, more mountainous Northern Ute territory. Ute history shows that their only military successes came when they allied (ill-advisedly) with the U.S. in wars against the Navajo and Apache during the 1860's. Their biggest solo effort? The Meeker Massacre. And the eventual loss of most of their land. A look at the history books, however, show that those Aztecs knew how to kick some ass. Pick: San Diego State

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