Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Whose Mascot Would Win In A Fight? Day 2 of a 7 day predictive experiment

Mascot Fight Results for Tuesday, January 19, 2010:

NBA Picks:
Toronto - LOSS
Miami - WIN

Record: 1-1

NHL Picks:
Tampa Bay - LOSS
Columbus - LOSS
Detroit - LOSS
Atlanta - WIN
Chicago - LOSS
New York - LOSS
Buffalo - LOSS
Los Angeles - LOSS

Record: 1-7
Moral lesson: Hockey has too many ambiguous mascots in order to properly predict victory and therefore the NHL will be abandoned in this experiment.

NCAA Basketball:
Ohio State - WIN
Georgia Tech - WIN
Albany - LOSS
Chicago State - LOSS
George Mason - WIN
Alabama - LOSS
Vermont - WIN
Maryland - WIN
Oklahoma - LOSS
Indiana State - LOSS
Illinois - LOSS
Miami-Fla - LOSS
Northern Iowa - LOSS
San Diego State - WIN

Record: 6-8

Total record: 8-16


NOW, for Wednesday's edition, I'll make one slight adjustment. Due to the volume of NCAA Basketball games (as many as 75-100 in a given day), I'll be selective and pick ten interesting ones, i.e. ones that don't involve so many abstractions that a fight is impossible, because WE WANT HYPOTHETICAL BLOOD.


Oklahoma City Thunder at Minnesota Timberwolves. Now, Thunder is just noise. However, even the most battle hardened Timberwolf is eventually going to flip the freak out over an excess of non-stop noise, eventually lose his/her mind, piss itself and/or eventually die from the neurosis. Pick: Thunder

Sacramento Kings at Atlanta Hawks. Kings have a wealth of resources at their disposal, including guns. Which they can use to shoot down birds. Pick: Sacramento

Dallas Mavericks at Washington Wizards. Wizards cast magic spells that overcome the laws of physics, and I don't care how much ammo a Maverick has in his gun. Pick: Washington

Portland Trail Blazers at Philadelphia 76ers. Traveling trail blazers happen upon a group of rich assholes who call themselves 76ers based upon the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776 in Philadelphia. Hungry, pissed off and in no mood for this bullshit, the trail blazers proceed to kick the ever loving crap out of these blue blooded wanna be losers. Pick: Portland

Indiana Pacers at Orlando Magic. More inanimate concepts for the Pacers to face, as they wonder if they're ever going to face something, let alone somebody, that they can actually fight so that they can actually win something. Just be glad you're not in the NHL, race starters. Pick: Orlando

Miami Heat at Charlotte Bobcats. When heat collects in Charlotte, it can get rather muggy, but muggy's nothing to a Bobcat. No contest. Pick: Charlotte

Boston Celtics at Detroit Pistons. An angry Irishman walks into a bar in Detroit and is greeted by a pumping car piston, which he then smashes to smithereens before getting shot 35 times by the locals because you're in Detroit now you leprechaun bitch. Pick: Detroit

Toronto Raptors at Milwaukee Bucks. 10 out of 10 velociraptors agree: Deer tastes delicious. Pick: Toronto

Memphis Grizzlies at New Orleans Hornets. Large quantities of wasps will sting anything to death. Pick: New Orleans

New Jersey Nets at Phoenix Suns. Ever try to catch a giant star with a net? Ever wonder why nobody else has? Pick: Phoenix

Utah Jazz at San Antonio Spurs. "This next song is called 'lonely spur'" [Saxophone] Not much of a fight, is it? Pick: Utah

Denver Nuggets at Golden State Warriors. A solitary nugget and a warrior. It might take a few strikes to break it. Pick: Golden State

NCAA Basketball:

Iowa Hawkeyes at Michigan State Spartans. Spartans have spears. Hawks have eyes, and plenty of protein. Pick: Michigan State

UNC Wilmington Seahawks at Georgia State Panthers. We've had the bird vs wild cat argument before. Pick: Georgia State

Southern Miss Golden Eagles vs UAB Blazers. The Blazer mascot is in fact a dragon. A dragon. I don't care how golden those eagles are. Those gooses are cooked. Pick: UAB

Northeastern Huskies at Towson Tigers. Huskies are brave and strong dogs, but any old tiger will chew them up. Pick: Towson

La Salle Explorers at Penn Quakers. Quakers are mostly peaceful people, while there is a non-zero chance those explorers might have had to kill and eat one of their own. Pick: La Salle

Old Dominion Monarchs at Delaware Fightin' Blue Hens. I don't care how blue they are and how much fightin' they do. Monarchs are rich, armed, and eat birds for dinner. Pick: Old Dominion

Duquesne Dukes at Rhode Island Rams. Now, Rams pose a little more challenge to a Duke as game, but Dukes are also rich, also armed, and Rams also end up dead. Pick: Duquesne

James Madison Dukes at Drexel Dragons. Dragons don't. Pick: Drexel

Bucknell Bison at Lafayette Leopards. Bison are huge and tough to take down, but a team of hungry, angry leopards can eventually rip them up. FEAST. Pick: Lafayette

Wake Forest Demon Deacons at North Carolina Tar Heels. Here we have two popular but very mysterious mascots. Once known as the Fighting Baptists, Wake Forest was dubbed in the paper after a 1923 win over Duke as Deacons that "fought like Demons." Back in the day, you could change a team's shitty nickname by writing a clever passage in your newspaper that inspired a better one, and thus the nick Demon Deacons stuck. Meanwhile, the Tar Heel is simply a reference to locals of North Carolina, The Tar Heel State. Yeah, great nick for a state, you inbred geniuses. Meanwhile, we are saved by the presence of an actual mascot: Rameses the Ram. I don't care how demonic those Baptist Deacons are. They're gonna get rammed. By Tar Heels. It's gonna be sticky. Pick: North Carolina

Navy Midshipmen at Holy Cross Crusaders. Now, I'm not going to get into the whole Army vs Navy vs Marines pissing contest. But Midshipmen off their boat are no match for angry Christians with swords hell bent on killing and raping everything in their path in the name of God. Pick: Holy Cross

No comments:

Post a Comment