NFL Photos for Week 15

Ahh, invisible loungerrrrr... where's my bong?


"I am the Cleveland Genie and grant you three wishes, as long as none of them suck or I will destroy your insides."
"Okay, I wish for a Super Bowl title."
"Screw that, you're the Chiefs"
"AGHGHGHGHGHH"


The Bears' new Skullf**ker defense was, like their other schemes, also a failure


Sensing a lost season, the New York Giants paid $20 million to sign, then genetically mutate Terry Bradshaw into a dark, hulk-like version of himself... and it turns out the old man still can't throw a decent pass


A new Photos feature: Deep Thoughts (In Medias Res)


"DID YOU TAKE MY HAM SANDWICH"
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT"
"TELL ME WHERE MY HAM SANDWICH IS"
"I DON'T KNOW LET GO OF MEEEEE"


This week in NFL Interpretive Dance: The Cabbage Patch is the Dance of Death


"We're the Underacheiving Chicago Crew
Shufflin' down the standings just for you
We're so bad we know we're not good
Blowin' our season like you knew we would
You're know when we play we're phonin' in in
Crapping the bed and costin' us wins
Our head coach is in deep ass trouble
We're here to do the 6-10 shuffle"


"Yo, Antonio. Yo mama's so fat she gained ANOTHER ten pounds while I picked off this pass"
"OH SNAP"


"DID YOU TAKE MY HAM SANDWICH"
"I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T TAKE YOUR DAMN SANDWICH"
"TELL ME WHERE MY HAM SANDWICH IS"
"STOP IT I DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING FROM YOU"


Bo Scaife's flying thrust kick does 15 yards worth of penalty damage


Genius that he is, Vince Young accidentally came out dressed for flag football


"Psst... yo Bryant. You suck. Your team sucks. Your mama don't even like you. Your-"
"Dude, my ear's up here. Stop whispering into my ribs"


Mark Sanchez has a lot to learn but did win the halftime Shot Put Blitz Challenge


CRUNK DANCE OFF TIME


Steve Breaston swims through a sea of suck to score the touchdown


"Look guys, this is how William Hayes runs to the lard trough at his mom's house when she calls DINNERTIME"
"DIE BITCH"


"Hey, is that Delta Airlines? YOU ASSHOLES STOLE MY LUGGAGE"


"That rohypnol I put in Drew Brees' breakfast should kick in right about... NOW"
"Hurrrmmrgfff"
"PERFECT"


"I'm a Ram. If I touch you, you will get infected with my Sucky Player Disease. Observe."
"Ughhhh"


"WELCOME TO THE CLUB, FRESH MEAT"
"WHAT CLUB"
"THE 'FRESH MEAT IS FRESH' CLUB. LET'S TAKE YOU TO DADDY"


The Bears' Stand on Our Shoulders defense? Yep, failure too


Bernard Pollard tries in vain to slay the mighty Medusa


"Here, take the handoff white boy."
"Nurrrrr"
"Hee hee, good boy."


"YEAH ME TOUCHDOWN"
"Does he know the game's been over for 20 minutes?"
"No and that's the best part"

On Paul Pierce's ideas of NBA rule changes

Paul Pierce has three ideas to fix the NBA

1. Eliminate the age limit.
2. Cut the regular season from 82 games to 60.
3. Raise the rim 3 inches to 10'3"

Some thoughts:

The NBA age limit is a joke: Kids just camp at a college for one year, and then turn pro at 19. How they use a scholarship with no intention of getting an actual education or being anything more than a one year mercenary shows the pointlessness of the age limit. There's little difference between a 17 or 18 year old entering the NBA and a 19 year old. If Stern thought going to school mattered, he should have made the age limit 22 or 23.

As for the rim... yeah, there's no way they would do it, especially given you have to dip into international and college basketball and get everyone to do it for it to work, but I think it would do the game some good to force people to learn how to shoot and pass again. The NBA product today, while a little better than recent years, is still garbage and a big reason why is because there's a lack of polished, fundamentally sound basketball.

And I actually agree with his idea for the 60 game season. Much of the season is a giant sleepwalk. We don't need 82 games to figure out who sucks and who doesn't (after 20-25 games, for example, we have a pretty good idea of how good the 2-win Nets are), especially if you're letting more than half the league into the playoffs.

NFL Photos for Week 14

"Your breasteses are so soft and-"
"NMURFURFURF"
And suddenly catching the ball was the last thing on Larod's mind.


The NFL's experimental butts-up red zone rule quickly fizzled and was forgotten


DeSean Jackson discovers the hidden invisible staircase at the Meadowlands and climbs his way to safety


Nobody told Quintin Mikell about the Sparkle-Ball in play and let's just say it damn near scared the breakfast right out of him


NO AUTOGRAPHS BITCH


"NUT BUMP TIME"
"Uh... no."


Aliens over Oakland picked out an inopportune time and place to test out the beta version of their new hoverbeam


"I BET YOUR FACE SMELLS DELICIOUS LET ME SMELL"
"nURHHRFFF"


This week in NFL Interpretive Dance: The Comet of Karma Strikes Jerry Jones Early


JaMarcus Russell's body weight is 20% fat, 30% suck and, as Andre Carter found out, very difficult to bring down


"Hey Matt let me show you the Off-Tackle Tango"
"NOW IS NOT A GOOD TIME"


The next person to figure out what either team was trying to do here will be the first


Seahawks apparently crap footballs in Texas


Chris Long tries to de-pants Kerry Collins and discovers to his horror that this was the actual color of Kerry's bare legs


"WAIT... AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS. IS MAN MEANT TO HOLD ONTO THE FOOTBALL... OR IS FOOTBALL MEANT TO HOLD ONTO MAN. A MOMENT... TO THINK...."


"See, you catch it like THIS"
"WOW... thanks, Santonio!"
"Sure thing, young man. Maybe someday, Cleveland Browns, you too can learn how to play football."


Eric Smith's Honky-Ninja skills are more than enough to floor the hopeless Bucs


"Like this, Santonio?"
"... no. You catch the ball. Not ME."


Witness the evolution of the Denver Broncos as Joseph Addai's leap warps the fabric of space and time


"UM GUYS I THINK THIS SUMO MATCH IS A BIT UNFAIR"


Dallas Clark becomes the unfortunate first man to catch the designated Gumby Ball


"My... my insides... feel like... melted... tiramisu"


"MY MIND IS TELLING ME NOOOOOOOOO
... BUT MY BODYYYYYYYYYYYY'S TELLING ME YESSSSSSSSS"
If I'm a Lions fan, I see a LOT wrong... with a little bump and grind.


Congratulations, Tim Jennings! You are the Chosen One! You have won a long and painful fall from the roof of Lucas Oil Stadium!


Anthony Hargrove is about to get a lecture from Saints coaches on why a T-Bone Suplex to your teammate is not a proper way to celebrate an interception


"So... we score touchdown... like this?"
"Man, I'm glad we're playing the Lions"

On the NFL Draft and rebuilding through the middle picks

One strategy I've put to successful use in detailed football league simulators is trading down when I have a high pick. Typically a top 5-10 draft pick commands a large, star player type of salary, and the chances that said player turns out a bust typically makes such a contract a bad value even if by all other signals the player is fairly certain to at some point in his career provide that value.

One of two scenarios is often the case with top players in the NFL Draft:

- He played at a small school, so sure, he didn't have a great supporting cast and that's a testament to his ability to rise above it... but he also played mostly against weak competition.

- He played at a power school, so he got to play against some tougher competition, but he also had a supporting cast of some of the best players in college football, got to play mostly against inferior teams, and had coaching and a system conducive to success at that level.

In both cases, each star player is in for a shock against NFL defenses where every player on every team (yes, even the Browns, Chiefs and Lions) was himself a good player in college. Sure, many top picks step in and make an impact from day one. Many don't, though, and many never do.

Basically, a top 5-10 pick often does not add that much more value to your team than someone in the late 1st round. In fact, you can find talent that can likely contribute to your NFL team anywhere between the 1st and 5th rounds (admittedly, guys selected from the 5th round on are shots in the dark at best).

Thus if I had a top ten pick, I would try to trade it down and get 2-3 later picks, or maybe a pick or two and a useful player that fills one of my needs. I know that some have devised basic systems to equate the value of picks, so if you wanted to figure out exactly what you could get for it. There are GMs who would definitely value a top ten pick and offer what you're looking for: the best teams to target are those who acquired other team's picks and have a surplus of picks in the early rounds that would offset the loss of dealing you a pick or three.

For example, if I inherited a shit-fest of a team as the GM and had the 5th pick, I'd maybe try and swing a deal to a team jonesing for a player projected in that slot for... say... a 1st and 2nd rounder this year, and maybe even a 1st or 2nd rounder next year. If they offered a player I needed, I'd be okay with just a 1st and 2nd rounder, whether in this year's draft or next year's. Or if I had the 15th pick I'd consider flipping it for a late 1st rounder and late 2nd rounder.

This is a fine strategy if you're rebuilding, though many argue that a top 5-10 provides more bang for the buck and is worth keeping. Sure, that top pick might get you your next franchise player. And it might get you Ryan Leaf. On top of that, now you've got a star player but he's still surrounded by crappy talent. Instead of drafting that one top player, why not swap the pick to draft 2-3 decent college players and fill more of the many needs your rebuilding team likely has?

If I wanted to I could take the strategy a bit farther: If I had a 2nd round pick to burn, maybe an extra one acquired via trade, I'd look into trying to flip it in an otherwise innocuous deal for a 3rd and 4th rounder. If I had a disgruntled veteran, or a surplus of depth at some position, I'd try and flip those guys for picks as well. I could, along with getting an extra pick or two in the late 1st to 3rd round area, grow a set of picks in the 3rd to 5th round range, where I could load up on potential role players and rebuild the depth of the team, especially on the offensive line and the defense.

The best part about this is that, once you get past the first round, all of these players come cheap. The bonuses are minimal and most will gladly play for the league minimum, a huge advantage over the single 1st round draft pick that will want several million dollars in cap busting bonuses up front, aside from whatever money you need to pay your other picks. The more roster spots you can improve in an offseason for a low cost, the more money you keep free under the cap to sign or otherwise acquire a high impact free agent or four. It's Stars & Scrubs, NFL Style.

You could probably turn a 4-12 squad into at least a .500 team in one season this way, even with a ho-hum cast of incumbent veterans. It's best done with a Singletary-style philosophy of controlling the clock with the run and playing physical defense, though, as players that fit into such an effort-over-skill system are easier to find and develop.

Football Strategic Concepts: Goal Setting on 1st and 2nd Down

The Hidden Game of Football discovered in research that a 1st down play improves the team's chances for success if it gets 45 percent of the needed yards. For example, on 1st and 10 that would be 4.5 yards: Your chances of success go up if you get 5 yards to make it 2nd and 5... but they go down if you gain 3 yards for 2nd and 7. On 1st and 20, success is getting at least 9 yards.

Likewise, 2nd down has a success bar: 60 percent of the needed yards. On 2 and 4, you need at least 2.4 yards, so 3 yards is a successful play but a 1 yard gain is not. On 2nd and 12, you need 7.2 yards, so 8-9 yards is a success but 5 yards gained is not.

3rd and 4th down barometers are simple: For success you need to get the 1st down, regardless of distance.

A football team looking to focus on offense can set a goal on every down using this information. On 1st and 10 the smart goal would be to get at least 5 yards. Perhaps the 60% goal on 2nd and 3, or the 45% goal on a fortuitous 1st and 5, seems a bit meager and weak. So in these cases you can say 'just get the first down'.

But on 2nd and 7, getting 5 yards is a reasonable goal to shoot for. On 1st and 20, needing to catch up after a dumb penalty, you can shoot for 9 yards. Obviously, there's little need for additional goal setting on 3rd or 4th down: Every football team is aiming for the 1st at this point if they're not kicking.

Bread and butter short or running plays become more valuable in this context over the more standard approaches like running and hoping for traction or daylight on 1st down, settling for 3-4 yards on 1st down, or throwing the bomb on 2nd down hoping to strike quick, and then gunning for the 1st on 3rd if it doesn't work. Taking a goal-set approach to every down with short, high percentage plays (whether varied run packages, quick strike or screen pass plays or West Coast and Spread style passing) is more conducive to long drives, wearing out the defense and reducing your opponent's opportunities by working the clock. The greater sense of purpose will help build momentum, put pressure on the defense early in drives and wear them down as drives proceed.

Likewise, on defense this can serve as a goal. On 1st and 10, draw a line 4.5 yards from the line of scrimmage and make it a goal not to let the opposition past it. Obviously passing plays make this a bit more complex, but the territorial mindset is easy to instill against running plays. Consider an opponent's 4 yard gain on 1st and 10 a success. Incomplete passes are obviously terrific as always. Holding the opponent to 2 yards on 2nd and 4 can be considered a success. Keep this idea under consideration in scheming with gap coverage and zone defenses.

Football Strategic Concepts: Four Drives (Two Touchdowns)

Four Drives is a goal-setting philosophy on offense with the goal to end no less than four drives in a game with a score, no less than two of which are touchdowns. The average NFL team scores between 14 and 28 points per game, and most final scores fall into that territory. College scores can vary more wildly, but in general engineering four scoring drives gives you a significant chance of winning. Assuming extra points are made, Four Drives should get you to at least 20 points and give you a sizable non-zero chance of winning if your team manages no other miscellaneous scores.

Part of the idea is to run time off the clock, rest your defense and wear down the opposing defense with a drive. Even if a lengthy drive ends in a field goal, by moving the football against the other defense, you establish momentum that your opponent now has to work against.

Because of the focus on working the clock and wearing the defense, my definition of what constitutes a drive is a bit more stringent. Technically, if you recover a turnover on your opponent's 30 yard line or run a kick into opposing territory, run three ineffective downs and kick a field goal, that's a drive.

But such a possession does not count as a drive under Four Drives. It does not work the clock, puts your defense back on the field quickly and though it ends in a score, it ends in a cheap score, a field goal, after a golden opportunity in the form of a turnover in opposing territory. Turnovers by opponents in their own end should generally lead to touchdowns.

Therefore, a possession only counts as a drive under Four Drives if it A) begins in your own territory or B) a drive starting in opposing territory required at least one first down and ends with a touchdown. Notice with each of those qualifiers that your team must pass at least one first down marker, if not several, during the course of a drive, whether or not they actually net one or more first downs (if they score a long touchdown, then great, but for all those other times you'll need to gain first downs).

(To clarify requirement B, this only means that the drive does not begin with a 1st and Goal situation, as a 1st and Goal drive is clearly short and while trying, will not wear the defense since no more than 3-4 plays will be run. The drive needs to begin with the first down marker being outside of the goal line, requiring that you drive at least 10-11 yards to score.)

Also, Four Drives does not include pick sixes, kick return touchdowns or fumbles run back for a touchdown. Consider these bonus scores, but you still need to engineer your Four Drives. In the event that you somehow rattle off so many turnover scores that you don't have time to feasibly run four qualifying drives in a four quarter game, consider yourself very lucky: You're probably destroying your opponent and the game is essentially over. Thank your stars, put in the backups and kill the clock.

If you engineer four scoring drives per the Four Drives definitions, and you avoid making any more than a couple turnovers, you will probably win the majority of your football games, almost regardless of how your defense plays. It is impossible to run four scoring drives under these terms and not have a fair share of time of possession, or have allowed more than 30-35 points: The other offense simply won't have as much time to engineer drives of their own, plus will be under pressure to produce if their early drives stall and your drives don't and could press into mistakes or hurry up football that gets the ball back in your hands more quickly and gives you another chance to eat the clock and wear out their defense with another drive.

Add some intrigue to the Bowl Games if we're not going to have a playoff in the FBS

If we're not gonna have a college football bowl division playoff, then let's at least have some fun with the bowls. Right now all but one of the games are played for nothing more than pride and some money for the universities in question. Add some stipulations to the games and not only make them interesting, but give these schools something real to play for. For example:

Whichever conference's team wins the Rose Bowl gets home field for every one of their teams in every regular season interconference game between the two conferences next season.

Whoever wins the Sugar Bowl gets to schedule a game with the 1-11 or 0-12 team of their choice next season. The loser must play Boise State on the blue turf in Boise.

Whoever wins the Fiesta Bowl gets three recruits of their choice from the losing school.

Whoever loses the Orange Bowl has to hire Ryan Leaf as an assistant coach.

Every returning starter on offense of the losing team in the Las Vegas Bowl has to transfer to UNLV.

If you lose to Georgia Tech, you have to dance with the Yellow Jackets to All the Way Turnt Up

If BYU loses their bowl game, every BYU player has to drink a beer and smoke a cigarette.

Every player on the losing side of the Army-Navy game gets immediately deployed to Afghanistan.

Found: Mike Marshall's pitching rotation

Previously I mentioned an old article by Mike Marshall about how he would structure a rotation and bullpen that I could not find.

I finally found it. Why it didn't come up in my prior searches is beyond me, but this is definitely the article I read 10-11 years ago on how Marshall would construct a pitching rotation.

It mostly confirms what I remembered, but it turns out his pitching staff would only have 8-9 guys, and he would use the rotation pitchers more than I thought. They would in fact be his middle relievers, and he'd even go as far as to send them one time through an entire lineup if he had to. His bullpen would only have three men: Two alternating closers who worked the 9th inning on alternating games, and one mop up guy to get the team through the 6th if the starter got shelled.