NFL Photos for Week 4

"Um, sorry guys, football orgies aren't my thing. TAXI!"


In the middle of a big catch, Ochocinco comes to the horrifying realization that he has pink hands


"Guess who big boy?"
"Excuse me, don't touch my titti- oh shit"


This week in NFL Interpretative Dance: Falling Heisman


DO THE HONKY DANCE... DO THE HONKY DANCE... DO THE- WTF you're wearing pink gloves


Vincent Jackson drops a pass as he wonders in amazement when he grew a 3rd, pink striped hand.


Tyjuan Hagler goes ahead and takes the Seahawks' wallets during the Colts rout


The Chiefs have finally found an answer to scoring on offense: Conga lines!


Adewale Ogunleye heard what a Matthew Stafford jersey fetches on eBay and quickly got the wrong idea


Johnny Knox discovers the horror of Lions coaches' new "Hey defense, Johnny Knox slept with your woman" defensive scheme.


Jay Cutler takes an armpit ride to the endzone on a Lions DB


"Thass right, rookie, it's TOUCHDOWN SWIRLIE TIME"


"Hey defense! SURF'S UP, BITCHES"


Peyton Manning felt so bad about killing the Seahawks that he threw like a girl in the 2nd half. He still shredded their defense.


"Alright, refs, let's stop them... Ref Dog Blitz Right... and back judge, watch for the quick out to Bush in the flat... ready... BREAK"


And I close with a bonus Kyle Orton Victory GIF from Kissing Suzy Kolber:

Amidst a teary celebration, the Seattle Mariners end 2009 with big questions

The obvious top story from the Seattle Mariners season finale (which ended with a victory, a hugely improved 85-77 record, and an unusually long and touching celebration from the Mariners on the field) is that this game was quite possibly Ken Griffey Jr's last game ever.

He hasn't formally announced his retirement as of yet, carrying the 'weighing my options' line, but watching his slow fade of the last few years manifest in a so-so effort at the plate this season at age 39, and seeing him on the verge of tears as he came out of the game in the 8th inning after a line drive single (coincidentally, his 1st at-bat of 2009 ended with a line drive single), there's enough signs out there that this is probably it.

From a non-emotional perspective, on the heels of winning a surprising 85 of 162 games this season, it's clear that the Mariners will be looking this offseason for easy opportunities to upgrade the roster, and Junior's designated hitter role (the easiest spot to fill with a good hitter since defense isn't required) is a prime spot for improvement. The only way he could come back is if he, Mariner fans and the organization were okay with him coming off the bench as a pinch hitter and spot starter at DH. And given the condition of his knees from carrying 230 pounds of excess weight, Junior would probably have to overhaul his diet/exercise habits (which have never been the best) and shed 20-30 pounds to be in any condition to come back next year. One can hope a slimmer, healthier Junior could hit a little better, but really the team's safest bet is to let him walk and explore other options at DH.

Also, Felix Hernandez: 19 wins and 230+ innings later, he's finally become the ace everyone thought he'd be, but he was bawling similarly as well. Sure, he's an overtly emotional guy, but is it possible he has an inkling of changes as well? There's been occasional talk of the team being skittish about offering him a huge contract, and could explore trading him this offseason. In light of what other top pitchers are making, it would probably take at least 6 years and around $110-120 million to finish a deal... and that's if Felix and his agent were feeling generous. Jack Zduriencik has shown a willing to trade key pieces of the Mariners (JJ Putz, Jarrod Washburn), so the idea of a blockbuster deal centered around Felix in return for 4-5 valuable pieces is not out of the question. Never mind whether Felix will get the Cy Young... will he be back in 2010?

Also, amidst the multiple extended auditions of rookies (Michael Saunders, Mike Carp, Adam Moore, Rob Johnson) and trade acquisitions (Ryan Langerhans, Jack Hannahan, Jack Wilson, Bill Hall, Ian Snell)... the Mariners found few answers for their multiple question marks. Moore might be a useful option at catcher next season (Johnson and Kenji Johjima showed little this season). If Wilson comes back, shortstop is as good as his, and at his worst he's still an upgrade over the lackadaisically treacherous Yuniesky Betancourt.

There are certainly spots where the team has few liability concerns. Ichiro. Franklin Gutierrez in CF. A deep bullpen that, even when the faces change, the productivity remains the same. Jose Lopez, who isn't great but is reasonably productive at 2B. A slew of young pitching (Ryan Rowland-Smith, Luke French, Jason Vargas, Snell, Garrett Olson, Doug Fister) that can fill in at least a couple rotation blanks. There are, however, other issues:

- Adrian Beltre's impending free-agency departure leaves a huge void at 3B that Hannahan and Matt Tuiasosopo showed little evidence they could fill.

- Left field was already a question mark before Endy Chavez got hurt, and a carousel of outfielders (Hall, Saunders, the departed Wladimir Balentien and Langerhans) did not produce a standout candidate. Saunders was the best option out of the farm system, but he struggled this season and jury's out if he can take the next step in 2010.

- Russell Branyan was a star at 1st base this year, but if he wants a big contract off his biggest season ever, he likely won't be back. If so, does Mike Carp step up and seize the spot, or does the team make a move for an established star?

- If the Mariners don't pick up Wilson's $8+ million option, they need to find a shortstop, and there aren't any real options in the farm system.

- Ian Snell showed erratic form in his extended rotation trial, and it's not clear that he can lock down a high-end rotation spot as was hoped when he was acquired from Pittsburgh.

- Carlos Silva is owed several trucks full of money over the next two seasons and he washed himself out with terrible pitching this season. It's not clear if he'll make it back to form, let alone the rotation (even though it's clear the Mariners still have to pay him).

- Despite winning 85 games, the team was actually outscored. Per Pythageorean projections based on their runs scored versus runs allowed, the Mariners should have had a losing record. They overcame this with an exceptional defense, bullpen, and fortune in close games. The Mariners led the league in one run victories this year.

Now granted, Jack Zduriencik didn't just come into 2009 with a ton of questions, but an empty cupboard. And he managed to turn the team's fortunes around with a handful of savvy moves to upgrade the roster and turn the Mariners into a winner. But it's no surprise that a team that had so much fun playing together in 2009 wistfully hugged one another on the verge of tears and stayed on the field long after the game was over, not wanting it to end. None of them know what the future holds, and it may not be as fun as this season was for them.

It's a lot like Christmas in a troubled household: You savor the kids savoring their gifts, the food, music and good times all you can... because once everyone goes home, you clean up and everyone goes to bed... you've got to wake up and deal with reality, the money problems, the overloaded schedules, the obstacles... all over again. And for the Mariners, their reality is that it's going to take a lot of work just to maintain the level of competition they put forth this year... let alone to build on it.

Chuck Armstrong uses his finesse and driving force to manipulate Geoff Baker and Seattle Times readers

Look, I'm among the few who still read and enjoys the guy's work, but Geoff Baker got played like a tourist by another heaping dose of Chuck Armstrong's bullshit.

Armstrong's voice shakes as he describes last September, a 101-loss season winding down, the Mariners in dire need of player, coaching and front-office makeovers, and fan ire directed mostly at him. Having just nixed a proposed trade of Jarrod Washburn to the Minnesota Twins, the longtime team president was getting lambasted in the mainstream press and in online forums. The full-on frontal assault shook him like past criticism never had.

The thing is that fans have been angry with Chuck Armstrong for well over a decade. But you see, most of Chuck Armstrong's fanbase recently discovered something called the internet, and as the media finally caught on to this strange internet's usage as a communication tool (like traditional TV/radio), more and more of this fan discontent became clear and finally, after years of closed-off silence, hit Armstrong unfiltered right in the face.

"No matter what we did, it seemed like it was wrong," he said. "And at the time, it seemed, they didn't trust us to do anything."

I have no idea why. Meddling to offer a mindless 3 year extension to aging Kenji Johjima. Killing a trade that would have sent off expensive, middling Jarrod Washburn (another curious Bavasi signing). Raising ticket prices after losing seasons. Hiring Bill Bavasi as GM and watching impotently for the better part of four seasons while he bloated the payroll, downgraded the roster and drained the farm system of hope.

Yeah, Chuck, I have no idea why the fanbase would think you couldn't do anything right. Beats me.

One year later, the Mariners, having rebounded to a winning season, are doing plenty right, largely because of hires overseen by Armstrong.

Yes, like Bill Bavasi. And Bob Melvin. And Mike Hargrove.

Written off by many last year, Armstrong was the driving force behind the hiring of general manager Jack Zduriencik and had key input in the selection of manager Don Wakamatsu and his coaching staff.

Because every decision that Jack Zduriencik made has been under the expert puppet mastery of Chuck Armstrong. Because GMZ has not made a single personnel decision on his own that wasn't first directed by the driving force of Chuck Armstrong. Right. Jack Zduriencik was a mindless moron during his assistant GM days in Milwaukee, a moron incapable of tying his own shoes without Brewers GM Doug Melvin providing him step by step instructions, and that's why the Mariners hired him. Right, Chuck.

Not to mention his role in repatriating Ken Griffey Jr. to Seattle. Armstrong used finesse behind the scenes to sign the Mariner, which fit his plan to restore a sense of professionalism in the clubhouse.

Here's a demonstration of the finesse that led Ken Griffey Jr to sign with Seattle for the 2009 season.

Media: Um... Griffey-
Fans: ZOMG YES ZOMG YES ZOMG YES ZOMG YES PLEASE COME BACK PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Chuck: ZOMG $$$$$
Fans: ZOMG YES ZOMG YES ZOMG YES ZOMG YES PLEASE COME BACK PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Media: ZOMG AD DOLLAR$ AND RATING$
Fans: ZOMG YES ZOMG YES ZOMG YES ZOMG YES PLEASE COME BACK PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
GMZ: Oh hey cheap veteran to fill a roster need and put butts in seats. Hey, Griffey
Griffey: Yo
GMZ: Anybody else call you?
Griffey: Nope, just Atlanta
Fans: ZOMG YES ZOMG YES ZOMG YES ZOMG YES PLEASE COME BACK PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
GMZ: I'll give you a couple mil to DH this year, and throw in a couple more if you put butts in seats
Griffey: You think the fans want me back?
Fans: ZOMG YES ZOMG YES ZOMG YES ZOMG YES PLEASE COME BACK PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Media: ZOMG AD DOLLAR$ AND RATING$
Griffey:
Chuck: ZOMG $$$$$
Fans: ZOMG YES ZOMG YES ZOMG YES ZOMG YES PLEASE COME BACK PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Griffey:
Griffey: Okay, sold
Fans: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Fans: [buys a shit-ton of tickets]
Chuck: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Advertisers: [blowing up KIRO and FSN's phones]
Media: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Sweeney: Hey, need a platoon partner?

I'm sure the finesse of Chuck Armstrong was the difference between Griffey signing here and not.

"I think the biggest accomplishment of the team this season was the whole turnaround in pride and discipline," Armstrong said.

Let's compare some numbers.

Selected Mariners' AVG/OBP/SLG/Fielding Ultimate Zone Rating (UZR):

1st base:
Richie Sexson (2008): 218/315/381/-7.6
Russell Branyan (2009): 251/347/520/+1.6

Center Field:
Jeremy Reed (2008): 269/314/360/-0.1
Willie Bloomquist (2008): 279/377/285/-2.2
Franklin Gutierrez (2009): 282/339/424/+27.1*

* #1 in baseball among all CF

Designated Hitter:
Jose Vidro (2008): 234/274/338
Ken Griffey Jr (2009): 213/323/405
Mike Sweeney (2009): 281/335/442

Left Field Defensive UZR:
Raul Ibañez (2008): -13.5
Michael Saunders (2009): +5.3
Bill Hall (2009): +2.3
Endy Chavez (2009): +5.9

SEA team UZR:

2008: -20.9 (#20 in MLB)
2009: +84.5 (#1 in MLB)

SEA Runs allowed per game:

2008: 5.01
2009: 4.30

But it wasn't swapping out the bad players for good players that made the team better. It was Chuck Armstrong's impact on pride and player discipline. Right.

Anyway, after Geoff Baker diverged into an essay on Armstrong's past and some standard platitudes, we get to this nugget.

Armstrong said the team won't know its 2010 payroll until mid-October. The team had budgeted for 2 million fans, and while it should exceed that by about 200,000, Armstrong says prices of tickets being bought are lower.

"People used to come to the ballpark and say 'Give me the best available ticket,' " he said. "Now they say 'Give me the cheapest available ticket.' "

The price of 2009 tickets did not go up, but they sure as hell didn't do down. All the Mariners ultimately did to offer "cheaper tickets" was... to offer variations of the same half price and 4-pack specials they offered during each of the last several seasons.

But you know Chuck will use the natural trend of the economy, especially given he won't drop the absurd $35-50 prices on box seats, and the team's improved record, to justify spiking prices for 2010 while cutting payroll yet again. Because if there's one quality to Chuck's finesse and driving force, it's his ability to shit on the fans' faces and call it a sundae.

Armstrong's lobbying helped play a vital role in Griffey's decision to return.

"He might be the biggest reason we still have baseball in Seattle," Griffey said of Armstrong. "He cares about the city, the fans and the team more than anybody I know. He's a great man, and a lot of people don't know how great he is."

Actually, it was Slate Gorton's endless legislative string pulling in Washington State... MLB's awarding of an expansion team to Tampa Bay, the one city that was the biggest target of the Mariners' threatened move... begging and pleading by local interests to Nintendo of Japan to finance the forcible purchase of the organization back in 1992... and about $500 million in forced-through bonds to finance the construction of Safeco Field... that kept the baseball team in Seattle.

And fan sentiment from 1995 saving the Mariners? Please. Actually, it was a 28 member task force that recommended using King County public funding for what eventually became Safeco Field. In fact, Chuck Armstrong and this very Mariners ownership held King County hostage and threatened to move the team in 1996 after King County refused to use public money to finance its construction, before King County caved into the threats.

As for Griffey? He was here way back in 1990 when Jeff Smuylan was lobbying to move the team to Tampa Bay, and was in Seattle during those 1996 threats from ownership. He sure as hell didn't do anything to stop those threats, and in fact was squawking for the team to trade him just a few years later.

So Chuck can talk all he wants about Griffey and 1995 saving Seattle. But really, he and Nintendo used mobster/blackmail style threats to get the new stadium built. If baseball in Seattle needed saving from anyone, it was from the threats of him and his fellow owners. He and the ownership were ready to high tail even after the miracle 1995 season.

Griffey's late February return eased the public heat on Armstrong. But Armstrong barely had time to savor it when blindsided by a serious family health issue.

Armstrong wants to keep the ongoing situation private.

While I wish no ill on the Armstrong family, that's a red herring to the fact that Chuck Armstrong has done more to damage baseball in Seattle than he has done or ever will do to help it, and a key reason that 2009 went so well is that he stayed out of the way.
Geoff Baker, to his credit, has only been in Seattle a couple years, and probably doesn't know enough of this team's history to understand that he was being bullshitted by one of Seattle's most famous bullshit artists.

Unseen differences in performance: The 2007 Rockies and Diamondbacks

Jeff Passan notes the divergent paths to 2009 between the two NL West 2007 playoff teams, the Rockies and Diamondbacks, and how the Rockies have returned to the spotlight while the Diamondbacks have fallen off the map. Passan laments one of the best young teams in baseball in the Diamondbacks sputtering while the Rockies returned to glory after an off 2008. A closer look shows that, while indeed one team has sputtered while another thrived, the difference between the two teams was evident even during their dual postseason runs.

In 2007, the Diamondbacks finished with the 3rd fewest runs scored and only the 5th best run prevention in the NL. At 712 runs scored and 732 allowed, their pythagorean record indicated they ought to have finished somewhere around 79-83, well off the pack... not 90-72 and 1st in the NL West. Brandon Webb fronted an unspectacular rotation: Livan Hernandez (4.93 ERA), Doug Davis (4.25), Micah Owings (4.30) and a spate of mediocre others alongside an injury-prone Randy Johnson (3.81, but only 10 starts and 56.2 IP), whose season was done after June.

In August the D-Backs took advantage of a stretch against weak opponents (Pittsburgh, Washington, Florida) to help ring up a 16-12 record despite getting outscored 141 to 127. In June they eked out a 14-13 record despite getting outscored 127 to 108, and went 8-7 in Interleague play despite getting outscored 80 to 71. With the help of such fortuitous stretches, they went 43-29 after the All Star Break to propel them to the NL West title.

How did they get so lucky? Like many teams that defy their pythag projected record, the D-Backs had one of the best bullpens in baseball that year, which helped them in close games. Their top five relievers had ERAs no worse than 3.27 (Tony Peña Jr.), and three of those five, including closer Jose Valverde, had sub-3 ERAs. Go figure they ran a solid 32-20 record in one run games. Arizona also led the NL with 51 saves (as Valverde rang up a career high 47) while only blowing 15 saves. Once the D-Backs had a lead, a deep bullpen did a good job of making sure they didn't (usually) give it up.

Now granted, if you crunch the numbers and consider the history of those pitchers you'll find the bullpen itself wasn't necessarily spectacular. The defense was a key reason they ruled it so hard: Arizona's defensive runs saved above average per Baseball Reference was +27.4, good for 4th in the NL. The key contributors were outfielders Eric Byrnes (+20.3) and Carlos Quentin (+11.5), and while CF Chris Young was the biggest liability (-13.3), having two effective corner outfielders on each side helped neutralize any shortcomings, plus defensive replacements Scott Hairston (+4.5) and Jeff Salazar (+4.5). Aside from Stephen Drew at SS (-7.2), no other D-Back cost his team more than 4 runs in the field. The bullpen had an added edge not just with the good corner outfielders, but Young could be replaced late in the game by a decent backup, turning the outfield into death for flyballs.

As for the lopsided run differential, here's an interesting breakdown:

Wins by 4 + runs: 30
Wins by 1-3 runs: 60
Loss by 1-3 runs: 36
Loss by 4 + runs: 36

While there's a fairly even ratio of routed wins to routed losses, with a few more rout losses, there are far more closer 1-3 run wins than losses. This is where the bullpen and defensive replacements came in: Once the D-Backs got a slim lead, they were able to hold it far more often than not. But they did not frequently dominate, nor did they frequently get dominated. Had they had more even fortune in those close games, their record might have been closer to that projected 79-83 mark and I probably am not discussing them.

Meanwhile, the Rockies finished one game back at 89-73, deadlocked with the San Diego Padres and making the playoffs only after winning a playoff game with help from a dubious sac fly run from Matt Holliday. Their Pythag record walks the walk (860 scored, 758 allowed, 91-72 expected), as did the Padres record (741 in and 666 out for a 89-74 expected record that exactly matched their final record). The Rockies were 2nd in the league in runs scored with obvious help from Coors Field, scoring 478 runs at home but a more average 382 on the road, while going 51-31 at home and a rather mediocre 39-42 on the road.

Colorado's run prevention was actually a tad above average (4.65 runs allowed; the NL average was 4.78). Their .701 defensive efficiency was 2nd best in the NL. Their defense saved an NL best 69.5 runs. They too had an effective bullpen, but even deeper, with six regulars finishing with ERAs below 4, even though none of their starting pitchers had an ERA below 4. Their lineup tied for the NL lead with a team .354 OBP. Their slugging and OPS, like their runs scored per game (5.28), were 2nd to Phialdelphia, which plays in one of baseball's hitter friendliest parks in Citizens Bank Park. This team was clearly, in most ways, better than the Diamondbacks.

No news is good news when it comes to referees... so we're told

With the regular NBA refs locked out, replacement refs get good marks from the Utah Jazz after their preseason opener with the Denver Nuggets. The refs even thwarted a grade-school level trick by the Denver Nuggets when a player tried to take free throws for another player but the refs caught the Nuggets in the act. From the Salt Lake Tribune:

Despite the fact that referees Trey Maddox, Deldre Carr and C.J. Washington called 69 fouls and the Jazz and Nuggets combined to shoot 88 free throws, the participants were generally happy with the officiating.

"Most of the time they did a pretty good job, I think," (Jazz player Mehmet) Okur said.

Jazz coach Jerry Sloan, who seemed upset with a call only once in a game that took 2 hours, 34 minutes to complete, agreed.

"I thought they did fine," he said. "I don't have a problem with that. Then again, we can't spend our time worrying about those guys.

"They're learning, we're learning and you've got to give everybody a chance to [move] forward. I hope everything goes great for them because it makes it easier for us."

In 21 1/2 minutes, (Jazz guard) Deron Williams shot only two free throws.

No problem.

"The officials were good," he said. "I thought they did a good job. They didn't look like replacements to me."

... "I thought they were good," (C.J.) Miles said. "We were able to talk to them. They were responsive. They called it both ways. ... They did a good job for their first game."

I can see the point that this story and other news outlets are trying to make: The replacement refs didn't do anything out of line to get anyone's attention, and by the 'no news is good news' mantra, this indicates the replacements can be trusted to call a clean game down the middle.

What's funny about the Salt Lake Tribune's story is that is does not once mention the final score of the game. Granted, it's preseason and the results don't matter (and the other outlets did mention the score, though they downplayed it), but it's common practice at least number-drop the final score early in the piece. In an attempt to make it clear there's no story, the media outlets make the replacement refs the story.

The NBA did reiterate their longstanding policy of a $25,000 fine to anyone who ever criticizes the officiating, a troublesome policy that has reinforced the questionable, bias officiating over the years that has helped drag down the quality of competition in the NBA. So it's likely the teams and their media mouthpieces alike are all going out of their way to sugar-talk the refs in an attempt to play nice with a league that's got enough problems as they try and hash out a deal with arguably pro sports' worst groups of officials.

Given the money issue, it's actually in the NBA's best financial interests to wash out the ref's union and go full-time with the replacements, and smoothing the tracks for their replacement officials may be a key step in that. One could make the general arguemtn that the quality of replacement officiating is worse than the incumbent officiating, but in the age of Tim Donaghy, Superstar calls and curiously slanted officiating in key playoff games... I can't say the NBA or we as sports fans would lose all that much quality in letting the incumbents walk away... especially if the replacements, as C.J. Miles said, call the games both ways.

... for a change.

The image of Kimbo Slice vs his reality

In highlighting Kimbo Slice's lumps during his stint on the Ultimate Fighter reality show, and UFC president Dana White's willingness to keep Kimbo around on the show... Dan Wetzel makes an interesting point.

What’s most amazing isn’t that Kimbo will return. It’s that the show – either through the magic of reality television or by brilliantly showing what was legitimately real – has turned Kimbo into a likable, humble and easy-to-root-for guy.

The funny thing is that Wetzel implies that Kimbo himself, once a street-hard thug, was not at all likable or humble as a person in the first place.

I think we've had our judgment colored by the crazed antics of fighters dating back to Muhammad Ali, all the way up to the nuttiness of Mike Tyson and even present day fighters like Floyd Mayweather and Brock Lesnar.

Promoters, with their excessive hype and willingness to manufacture controversy in attempting to increase ticket sales and buyrates, have made it easy to dislike fighters, so much that Wetzel and many others across America grew to dislike Kimbo Slice during his mega-hyped and ill-advised run as Elite XC's leading fighter. Elite XC pushed Kimbo as the Tiger Woods of MMA when in reality he lacked even basic fighting skills, and got badly exposed in a quick loss to a run of the mill fighter, and it was their false promises of Kimbo's ability that led in large part to the organization's quick demise.

The shoving of Kimbo down our throats led viewers to loathe Kimbo's name, rather than anything he did as a person. Even during his XC tenure he came across as a humble guy. To imply that Kimbo himself was unlikable, rather than that the hype around him was dishonest and unlikable, isn't accurate.

But that's not necessarily Wetzel's fault. He only follows a sentiment shared by hordes of MMA fans... a sentiment better placed with the defunct org that falsely hyped him as something he's not, than placed with the man himself. Kimbo was simply offered a big paycheck no one else offered to fight as a main attraction. Who turns that down?

NFL Photos for Week 3

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


Ninja QB Aaron Rodgers prepares to go medieval on the Rams


The new Ravens coaching staff has done wonders for freaking out opponents on their own


Signs the Redskins need a new coach: The tacklers toss salad during plays


This week in NFL Interpretative Dance: It's The Jared Allen Show!


... featuring The Jared Allen Dancers!


Even Buffalo's mutant safeties (with badly attached prosthetic arms) were no match for the Zero Gravity Saints


"Um, excuse me, please don't do that..."


"Excuse me, I'm not your father and I'm in the middle of running a play. Please let go."


The air in San Diego was humid enough to swim in, which obviously affected play


"Did you drop LSD again, dude? That's not a vulture. It's a football."


Pregame fireworks in St Louis symbolize another Rams' season going up in flames


"Somebody tell Lynell that you don't need to carry the ballcarrier to the end zone to score... just the ball."


Raiders tackling got better... and uglier... after the defense was told LaMont Jordan was hiding gold bricks in his uniform


Much to their dismay, Chargers QB Phillip Rivers followed that deep ball by chucking a grenade


"Good job, Lynell, but actually, I was lying about the ref handing you money after a touchdown."


Siamese levitating linebackers were just too much for the Chiefs to handle


"No really, shut up"

NFL teams don't run the option. Should they?

At this point, I think it's best to just put returner/receiver/former college quarterback Josh Cribbs behind center on every play. The Browns are at their most dynamic offensively with Cribbs in the shotgun, running their "Flash" package (their version of the Wildcat), and it isn't as if there's anyone qualified to throw Cribbs, or Braylon Edwards(notes), or anyone else, the ball. If the Browns hope to be competitive at all, they should scrap the traditional offense altogether and go option-read all the way. Or, they can alternate between two quarterback disasters in perpetuity, until the latest Belichick disciple is fired and they start this nightmare all over again.

Granted, Doug Farrar is half-joking, but it does lead me to wonder. Dozens of college football teams run some variation of the option (Triple Option, Wishbone, etc) with varying degrees of success. The QB throws maybe half a dozen times a game and despite the other team knowing you're going to run the ball, you can frequently rack up 200-300 yards on the ground with the QB and 3-4 different backs.

Many college teams do this because it works, and they don't have the talent at QB and receiver to competently run a passing or pro style offense. Running the ball is easier to do, it runs the clock when you succeed at it and it shortens the game, minimizing your opponent's opportunities to succeed even if you don't capitalize on yours. Sure, if you run into an opponent whose defense is just bigger, faster and stronger than your's, you're probably dead meat, but few fit the criteria well enough to stuff every hole in a system that attacks with diverse looks, cuts and angles. The option is football's version of basketball's Princeton offense.

Why have we never seen an NFL team try to run such an offense? The most common argument is that NFL defenses are talented, fast, strong and well prepared, if not well coached... and that such an offense would die a quick, zero point death after the defense stacks nine guys in the box and just bum rushes whoever carries the ball.

However, 1) NFL teams don't need to run a straight option and 2) The recent success of the option-style Wildcat package shows that an NFL team can move the ball with such a system.

Even the crappiest NFL teams have some QB and receiver talent. Pretty much every QB in the NFL has shown he can capably run a passing offense at some point in his life. Many were option QBs themselves. Many tailbacks and receivers were once QBs themselves. Chiefs QB Tyler Thigpen may suck as an NFL pocket passer, but the reason he's even in the NFL is that at some point in college, he proved himself a capable QB that can read a defense and complete passes against an attacking defense. You don't get to be an NFL QB unless you succeed in college football as a QB. Josh Cribbs himself was a QB once before becoming a receiver and return man. There are so many examples in the league past and present that I'm about to overlook.

If lining up in a pro set and running the usual isn't getting you anywhere, then why not line up shotgun every play and roll the QB to one side with orders to either find an open receiver, reverse to a receiver or back running the other way, or tuck it and go? Or even line up with two TEs or a back in the slot... and shift to a wishbone when the other team has their nickel package on the field? Or when the other team loads the box after a gazillion straight running plays, send your top receiver streaking up-field, slip the tight end 5-10 yards downfield, go play-action and just kill them dead with a bomb or a screen pass? And every now and then, you can screw with the defense by running a straight play from the gun or a single wing and exploiting any basic weaknesses in the adjusted coverage.

It's not like running an option-style offense would leave you totally predictable and one dimensional. A triple shoot style option could scramble a defense's collective brain and leave the defensive coordinator's head in his hands at halftime.

If you were a bad team appearing doomed to a terrible season, why would you not at least try something like this? You have nothing to lose except 12-16 games and your job (which you'd lose anyway under the status quo).

Item in Petr King's column that may interest only me

On Wednesday, in Kansas City for a series with the Royals, a group of eight members of the Red Sox traveling party -- including manager Terry Francona and infielder Kevin Youkilis -- spent a couple of hours at the Kansas City Chiefs' offices and training facility, across the parking lot from Kauffman Stadium. Francona is close to Chiefs GM Scott Pioli from his days in New England, and Pioli visited Francona in the Red Sox clubhouse prior to Tuesday's game. Youkilis and former major-leaguer Sean Casey, now a part-time TV colorman, kept commenting about the pace and fury of the midweek practice. Said coach Todd Haley: "They were very shocked how physical we were and how hard our coaches coached."

Hmm... now, I know Mike Singletary has used a similar approach to make a competitive ballclub out of a crappy 49ers team. But also keep in mind that before he became Kurt Warner's weepy Super Bowl coach, Dick Vermeil ran his St Louis Rams ragged after taking over as their coach, ranting and screaming and nutsing his way through practice... and those teams lost double digit games in each of Vermeil's first couple years.

The saying goes, "Work smarter, not harder," and sometimes, a team that works too hard in practice can find themselves too beaten and gassed to compete on Sunday. This is a clue that maybe the Chiefs are working too hard, but not very smart.

Mike Singletary's team is physical, but a) he doesn't conduct himself like a madman. He is, as he has always been, a fairly reserved man who speaks with impact once he does talk. And b) the Niners follow a fairly simple game plan centered around the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball, and a fairly good tailback in Frank Gore: Run the ball, control the clock, hit them in the mush and control the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball with force.

Says the Kansas City Star:

Right now, Todd Haley and Scott Egoli are in way over their heads. They’ve taken the scraps Herm Edwards and Carl Peterson left, supported them with spare parts from New England, emasculated them with intimidation tactics that allegedly foster a culture of winning and created a team far worse than anything we’ve seen represent our city.

The Chiefs committed 10 penalties in this week's blowout loss to Philly, while trying and failing to run the football.

The Chiefs admittedly don't have a Frank Gore in the backfield (Larry Johnson's seen better days), but the difference here may be the coaches hanging all over guys all through practice with berating and threats. It's hard enough to go through very physical practices, but another to be constantly jerked around by coaches that may or may not know what they're doing. Treat a guy like a screw-up and... well, guess what? He's probably going to play like one. Niners coaching may jump on guys, but the approach is more positive, and so are the results.

Random Week 3 Seahawks thoughts

- 5'10" Seneca Wallace cannot sit in the pocket and be expected to win a game throwing 40 times a game. The average defensive lineman is something like 6'3". You ever tried to look at something past a bunch of people 5-6 inches taller than you? Kind of hard, huh? Now try and throw the ball 7-15 yards to an open receiver as the quarterback on a football field while several of those big linemen are trying to kill you. He had some okay luck early, but as the Bears defense adjusted, it was clear this was no longer going to work consistently enough for him to lead scoring drives while sitting in the pocket.

Doug Flutie (5'9") got around this by using his mobility to keep the defense moving and allow him to throw the ball in open space. Other shorty QBs get and got around the size issue by either managing rushing-heavy offenses that required little throwing, or working behind strong offensive lines and taking 7-8 step drops. Seneca tried the latter and it didn't work often enough because the spotty Seahawks line was missing two top starters.

A short QB needs open field to maximize his vision. Seahawks offensive coordinator Greg Knapp did not get Seneca in open field often enough. With his vision always obscured, it's no surprise Seneca made several bad throws. (The Lance Briggs INT, however, was just a great play by the athletic Briggs)

- Seahawks coach Jim Mora Jr is a stark contrast to the country club-esque reign of Mike Holmgren. Whether or not you think his callout of kicker Olindo Mare of two missed field goals (43 and 34 yards) is classless and uncalled for, and whether you think the context of the game makes it too unpredictable to say that the Bears don't win the game anyway if he makes those kicks... it's clear the coddling mentality of the Holmgren era is long gone. The idea of 'class', like morality, is relative anyway. If class won titles, the Steelers and Raiders, some of the biggest assholes in football history, would have never won those Super Bowls in the 1970s.

- And to be fair, variance be damned (sorry, John Morgan, but the variance you're thinking of usually involves shitty weather and FG blocker penetration), Olindo Mare has to at least nail the 34 yard field goal. It's a balmy day with minimal wind in a stadium whose construction does a fair job of neutralizing the wind, and he's a veteran that's been hitting these kicks for well over a decade. Kickers usually don't miss those kicks without getting cut later one way or another. In a game where the Seahawks needed all the help they could get, Mare hurt his team at least once, if not twice (if you think the 43 yarder was easily makeable, which it may have been).

I don't blame Mora for being pissed, whether or not I would have called Mare out in the postgame press conference (I wouldn't have). Mare's on the payroll for one reason: to make a drive into those last 20-30 yards at least an automatic 3 points. If the Seahawks were okay with 34 yard shanks, they'd play a rookie kicker.

- The one group I don't see Seahawks fans blaming for the loss: the Chicago Bears. They may still have kinks to work out and they may be missing their star linebacker, but this is a good, physical ballclub that, provided their QB plays up to his ability, can at least keep themselves in a game and certainly do what it takes to win them.

It's a testament to the Seahawks' depth that despite missing 8 starters, including their starting QB and left tackle, they stayed with a good Bears team for 60 minutes and were two FG misses and/or a late drive away from taking it.

NFL Photos for Week 2

"Okay, I need you to put me on your right shoulder"
"A'ight"
"Then I need you to carry me several yards downfield"
"A'ight"
"Then turn me around so I'm facing my quarterback"
"A'ight- wait"
"... what"
"..."
"..."
"... you mean the one on the field right now?"
"Yeah"
"A'ight"


Now 0-2, the Titans should consider scrapping their Kama Sutra zone defense.


Having failed at regular defense, Rams tacklers are now resorting to punching opposing ballplayers.


This week in NFL Interpretative Dance: Titan(ic)... Jeff Fisher's ship meets a Texans sized iceberg


Let's just say this play didn't go the way Drew Brees wanted


Nor did this one


The Saints scored 48 points despite this because of their zero gravity goal line package.


Maybe it's just me, but I think Mike Brissel (#65) is guilty of holding here. In fact, that Titans defender is about to take a spinebuster


Spencer Havner gets the Goldilocks Gangbang treatment from the Bengals. "DID YOU TAKE OUR PORRIDGE AND BY PORRIDGE I MEAN FOOTBALL"


Steven Jackson uses the Redskins defense as a Barca lounger during the 1st half


Ochocinco ends up in huge trouble when Packers fans are told he tastes like chicken


Donald Driver uses his hover powers to weave through the Bengals secondary


The Bucs invisible spider net helps them save a touchdown against T.O.


The Seahawks lost in large part due to Jim Mora's questionable 'run our plays upside down' strategy


Jake Delhomme points to the recipient of his next turnover


It's YOU, Chris Houston! Come on down!


Lions receiver Calvin Johnson is about to suffer the bone crushing experience of a teammate twice his size forgetting he is twice his size. This is why the Lions can't have nice things, like touchdowns and wins


The Broncos' midgame waiver wire pickups are getting out of hand


Cory Redding realizes too little too late that agreeing to let the trainer cook off his bunions during the game probably wasn't a good idea


After winning with kung fu in week one, Frank Gore took up Muy Thai and used it to sink the Seahawks in week two