Storytime With Erik Bedard's Trade Bait

[A classroom in Baltimore]
SHUT UP YOU LITTLE SH*THEADS
You can't say that it's a bad word
I JUST DID CRACKER
Uh, maybe you shouldn't talk to the kids like that, Adam
DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK, GENERAL STFU?
I have no idea what I'm doing here
YOUR JOB IS TO BE QUIET WHILE I READ THIS STORY
You are totally the wrong guy to be doing this
AND YOU'RE THE WRONG GUY TO CLOSE BALLGAMES SO WHAT
That's actually me

Wait
Maybe you need to take a walk
AND MAYBE YOU'RE A STUPID AA TOMATO CAN
Go take a walk before I make you, trade bait

Look who's talking
Look who's about to get pimp slapped

TAKE THIS OUTSIDE
[walks to door]

OPEN THAT DO-
NO HOT SHOT YOU OPEN THAT DOOR YOURSELF


[opens door]
[leaves]
I'M GONNA WATCH YOU AND MAKE SURE YOU BEHAVE YOURSELF
[follows]
[follows]
What happened to that nice man that used to tell us stories?
Who?
He was kind of weird and would say messed up things
But the things he said were smart
And he was nice
He didn't say mean things and threaten people.
Why is Adam so mean?
Why can't he be nice like you, George?
And who are those losers that hang out with him?
All they ever do is stand around and he tells them what to do.
That's a lot of questions, guys. Slow down.
We want Erik back!
That was his name! I want Erik back too!
Well, sorry kids, but Erik's not coming back.
In fact, the reason I'm here is because he was traded.
I was one of the guys he was traded for.


Traded? What's that mean.
Erik was traded to Seattle, and the Orioles got all of us in return.
The Orioles?
Yeah, the Orioles.
Who are they?

You're kidding
No really, I don't know
We're a baseball team


YOU PLAY BASEBALL FOR REAL?!
WOWWWWWWWW
You can't be serious
THAT'S SO COOL
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?
Why do you think I'm wearing this uniform?
We just thought you liked to dress like an idiot

THAT'S SO AWESOME
You didn't know that Baltimore has a baseball team?
You don't watch TV?
They don't show baseball on TV
Actually, the sports guy on TV says that Orioles baseball is a joke
So we didn't think they were real.


******

[A classroom in Seattle]
My daddy said that you came from Baltimore.
Yes.
Why did you leave?
Divine intervention.
I mean, I was traded.