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Sunday, July 12, 2009

Storytime With Erik Bedard Returns

>:(
>:(
what's the matter?
YOU SAID YOU WERE INJURED
But I was injured.
OH REALLY
What are you talking about?
THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS


IF YOU WERE INJURED THEN WHAT WERE YOU DOING THERE?
YOU SURE LOOK HAPPY FOR SOMEONE WITH A HURT SHOULDER
Kids
I can explain
NO YOU CAN'T
YOU LIED TO US ERIK
YOU WEREN'T INJURED AT ALL
WE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL EVERYDAY AND YOU WEREN'T THERE
ALL WE SAW WAS THE DEAN ASKING US TO BUY HIM HAMBURGERS
Kids I wasn't at the hospital
OBVIOUSLY
YOU WERE OUT FISHING WITH THAT ANGELS PITCHER
Jarrod hasn't pitched for the Angels in years
YEAH WE BELIEVE YOU
WE'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU SAY, LIAR
Okay this isn't fair
YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT FAIR?
MAKING US SIT HERE A MONTH WITHOUT STORIES
ALL BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO GO FISHING
WHAT KIND OF ROLE MODEL ARE YOU?
YOU COULDN'T EVEN GET PHILLIPPE TO READ FOR US
Phillippe can't read
WHERE IS HE ANYWAY?
OH LET ME GUESS HE'S FISHING TOO- I MEAN INJURED
Phillippe is in Tennessee
Kids I don't think you understand
OH I THINK WE DO
YOU DON'T RESPECT US
That's not true
Let me explain with a story
OH REALLY TELL US A STORY
YOU SURE YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE HALFWAY THROUGH TO GO FISHING?
This story actually happened.
SURE IT DID
Once upon a time, a man named Bill ran a baseball team
IS BILL A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR TOO?



You know... I could just leave.


So how about you kids chill and let me explain?



GO AHEAD AND TELL YOUR STORY
Cool.
The reason I'm here is because Bill traded half his team to get me.
He did this because I'm good at baseball.
I showed up and did my job the best I could.
However, because Bill traded so many players to get me
And because I'm supposed to be good
Fan and team expectations were very high.
I also had a lot of injuries in Baltimore
So fans were worried I'd end up injured.
The first time I got hurt and had to miss time
Mariner fans got angry and they called me a pussy
What's a p-
You really don't want to know the specifics
But it means you're a wimp
Why did they call you that?
Because they thought I could play through the pain, but didn't want to.
They didn't realize I had torn cartilage that needed surgery.
This upset me greatly.
So after I got better, I decided next time that I got hurt
I wasn't going to let it bother me.
During this season, I found out Jarrod Washburn liked fishing.
When I hurt my shoulder, I didn't want to stay inside
I felt good enough to hold a fishing pole, so...

Now I feel bad.
You think you feel bad now, imagine if Phillippe were here
We're sorry.
I appreciate that, though I get why you'd be mad
But as long as you learn something, we're cool.
And speaking of injured people playing hooky
Look what the dean's been up to:

EWWWWWWWW
EWWWWWWWW
You think that's bad? You should see him at brunch.

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